Feels Good

Sometimes I feel like I have it so easy. Life is good. So good I feel the need to record it so that when it passes I have something to refer back to. I feel like a lot of people don't appreciate or maybe they don't even realize when they're happy. Some people tend to pick at the bad things or manage to find something wrong in every situation. Running is hard and it hurts. But how great is it that you can feel that hurt? That you have two legs that can not only run but run fast?

One of my upcoming goals for the summer is to raise money for the American Cancer Society. Together, Dave and I have made it our mission to raise $1,000, which I think we can do. I'm really excited because it gives my training and the actual marathon more meaning that running it just for myself.

On another note, I was in Charlotte, NC last weekend for a tennis reunion. It was really wonderful re-connecting with my old teammates and just discussing all that we've been through in the past few years. We have literally spent days and hours together in practice, matches, in the van, traveling, and of course partying on the weekends. There's a connection we have that no one else will get because we know what we've been through together. I can probably say those girls have seen the best and worst of me. I feel like a different person than when I was in school though. I feel happier.

OK there's ambulances and fire trucks outside my apartment so I'm afraid my joy-fest is about over.

** Update: There was a small house fire a few buildings down from me. I haven't been outside to see the damage but the fire trucks were there for several hours.

On another note, literally as I was writing this post about happiness I was receiving messages from someone who it felt like was trying to upset me. I always feel like this person has a dark cloud overhead and just caries misery and negativity wherever he/she goes. After receiving the last hurtful text message I could take, I calmly read the message, deleted all of the messages sent from that night, and said a little prayer wishing that one day this person would find peace with him/herself and with others.

I also had nightmares that included a little boy stabbing a little girl in the heart over and over again. I was using Dave as a shield protecting me from the little girl because she was evil. She didn't scream when she was being stabbed. Not sure what any of that means but it wasn't the most pleasant way to wake up this morning.

Dream Success

Well, the race was 4 days ago and I'm still trying to process how it all went down. The goal time was 3:40 which would qualify me to run Boston in 2010. My official time was 3:33:47 and I have no idea how that happened. That's not true. Here's how I think it happened:

1. I only ran 3 days a week but they were mostly all quality runs. There weren't too many slow or easy days.
2. Tuesdays and Thursdays were shorter runs that I was usually around 7:45 pace so my body was somewhat accustomed to running a faster pace.
3. Saturday morning long runs were absolutely brutal. An 18 miler in 6 degerees in hilly ass Rock Creek Park stands out in my mind. If they weren't cold they were hilly like something fierce (shoutout monkey!) I felt like I could run anything after a few of those long runs which probably helped more mentally than physically.
4. I'm not severely anemic anymore. Oxygen really helps when you're trying to run.
5. I tried carbo-loading though I'm not sure if I did it for long enough. Seemed to have more energy though.
6. I almost never drink caffeine except for long runs when I have blocks so during the race when I was eating copius amounts of goo/beans/blocks I felt a little buzzed from the caffeine.
7. Dave ran the last 10k with me which helped immensely even though I didn't have enough energy to smile or respond except for blurting curses every few steps when my feet cramped.
8. I have a high tolerance for pain
9. Which has helped start to straighten out my hammer toe.
10. At the start I introduced myself to the 3:40 pace guy who was super obnoxious. After I told him I was going to try to keep up I secretly prayed we wouldn't be together for almost 4 hours. The goal was to stay ahead of him so I wouldn't have to hear his voice. He got dangerously close at mile 21-ish.

There's my list. Here are the overall stats:

Run With It

I want to start by admitting my ignorance about running. Tempo runs, carbo-loading, heart-rate training, and so much more are still new concepts. For me, long distance running is mostly about not stopping.

That said, I'm still interested in the comparison between tennis and running strictly based on my own observations/experiences. My family and tennis friends think I'm a little nuts for running marathons. They see me hobbling around on stiff legs after long runs with either missing or black toenails. They even saw me struggling to run while I was anemic and didn't know it. But for me, running isn't even a fraction of what I went through with tennis. Hours of training in the hot sun hitting ball after ball after ball until you got it right. Then we played matches. Then we did speed work. Not just speed work to do it but speed work timed where everyone in the group had to make time or everyone had to do it again. In the summers we would go out in the heat of the day with obviously no shade on the court. I loved the heat. I loved to practice and sweat and work hard until I couldn't give anything else.

Matches were different. The whole mental side of the game kicks in and you have to figure out how to beat your opponent without defeating yourself first. The mental side of the game was agonizing for me. Not even the losing part. Matches just took so much out of me because I won them mostly by working hard as shit and/or using my head. I was pretty good at noticing patterns and tendencies, and I liked to anticipate where people were going to serve or try to pass me at the net. Needless to say I was always thinking (whether it looked like it or not) and most matches I was completely mentally exhausted. This went on for years by the way.

Needless to say I needed a break, which is where running comes in. Running takes the part of tennis that I was good at, working hard, and isolates it and extends it for hours at a time. I may be wrong about this (still a newbie) but I don't think there's anything anyone can directly do to affect my run. Nobody's hitting a ball at you or having any kind of direct interaction. I've heard a little about opening up the race and picking up the pace and things like that, but that's all indirect. It's still a completely isolated and individual sport to me. It makes it seem a little easier to me. There's no mind games or cheating or anything that would affect my race, it's just me.

And while I don't have all the tools I need yet, I will run on sheer determination and hope that's enough.

Present

I'm want to write about my running. Goals, training, inspiration, doubt, fear, and maybe some other things I didn't know existed. But maybe sometimes it's better to not think so much and just let whatever is supposed to happen happen. I want to analyze and overthink and give in to my obsessive tendencies but I might drive myself (and others) crazy thinking about it. For now I'm going to try to take a step back. Quit playing sports psychologist.

Today, I heard someone talk about staying in the present and living for this exact moment. No feelings of anticipation for the future and no feelings of regret about the past. What a simple and perfect way to live.

Wrong

I tend to be wrong a lot. I don't remember having that problem growing up. In fact, I remember my mom often telling me, "Ali, when you're right, you're right". It's actually kind of funny now. I usually expect to be wrong and will openly tell people during a friendly or heated debate that I think it's this, but I'm usually wrong so don't listen to me. I'm OK with being wrong about some things, but there some things I hold close to me that I don't like others to mess with. I guess it depends on how passionate I am about it and how much time and effort I have invested that it just hurts more to be wrong.

For the second time in one week I've been screamed at by a client about something I supposedly did wrong, though the first time didn't break me down to tears. The screaming was completely unnecessary and her points only marginally true yet I haven't been able to shake the nauseated feeling of failure all day. I had reasons for why I did certain things and had explanations that were reasonable, but screaming makes me fold. I failed to make my case and failed to not let her affect my entire day.

oooohhhmmmmmmmmm......

Yoga philosophy talks about handling bad situations with grace, breathing to calm your emotions, and having compassion for everyone, even the people you don't like. I thank my client for testing me today. I think it's so funny that some people think they will get their point across by raising their voice. I want to say, "Use your words, dear"... though I don't think that would go over too well. At the end of the day, I can only control my actions and reaction to the situation.

One more note: This kind of reminds me of a Ted Talk I watched the other day where the host of Dirty Jobs was talking about his experience being wrong.